Whaaaaat am I going to do with my life?!

Options:

1. Get commissioned as an Intel officer in the Navy.
2. Teach for America (preferably in Hawaii!!!  But anywhere is awesome).
3. JET
4. police
5. embassy/consulate
6. fucking...grad school.  Ew.
7.  teach @ ESL school.
8. Get more hours at [test prep center]?  Keep working all three of my jobs and pray to eke out a living?
9. Get rich and famous as a singer/songwriter/musician/actress/writer (right).
10. I DON'T KNOW

My biggest fear is that I'll apply to all these places, work my ass off to provide a positive impression and good references, and get rejected by all of them.  I don't want to end up living at my parents' for 2 years like my stepbrother (and his wife!!).  Hell, I don't even want to end up living at my parents' for a week.  That house is like a dementor: it sucks the life out of you.  Granted, last time I went it wasn't nearly as bad...I didn't get that horrible sinking/depressed feeling I got there summer 2008.  It was more just...slightly awkward.  Couldn't stay up late.  Couldn't have my "wild" friends over to drink a beer and watch horror movies.

My family is like crazy southern Baptist btw.  Well, my dad isn't, or wasn't till he married my stepmom, at least.

It's just so REMOVED from my real life, I feel like I start to lose my sense of self when I'm living there.  I revert back to the scared, submissive 15-year-old that I've moved so far beyond now.

And like I said, things seemed better for my Grandma's funeral.  My stepmom and I actually managed to have a pretty interesting hour-long conversation.

She still talks to my dad like he's a dog, though.  And I don't mean that as an exaggeration.  When he does something she doesn't like, she goes, "EH EH EH!  No!"  And he goes, "Omg sorry D:".  Like what the hell???  If he said "EH EH EH!  No!" to her over ANYTHING, including her treatment of me, she would flip the fuck out, all, "How dare you talk to me that way blah blah blah I am not your last wife [my mom...]."  Of course she would do it in a very quiet, unsettlingly calm voice.

Happier topics, eh?

I'm so fucking happy to be tutoring again.  I feel like it's an area I really thrive in; I make a difference!  And I just started volunteering for Habitat, too, which means I'll be making a *noticeable* difference in people's lives.  It's cool to see something you worked out come to fruition physically, which is an experience I haven't had much of in school (obviously).  I'm *so* ready to be done with school and moving on with my life.  I want to accomplish something meaningful.  I want to fucking get out of debt.  I want to buy a house and furnish/decorate it and make it my home.  I want to meet someone, fall in love, get married, and have beautiful little babies.  I want to feel safe, like my position in life isn't dependent on my dad's health or opinion of me.  If he died or was somehow incapacitated, I'd be fucked.  I'm not sure how willing my stepmom would be to financially assist me, and regardless, I'm not sure how much they would *have* to assist me with if he weren't able to earn a steady income.  Not to mention that would be a pretty fucking significant stepback to me emotionally.  I love him sooo much, almost too much, really.  I'm too dependent on him for a 21-year-old.  Here's to hoping that will all change come December.

And noooow...I'm gonna sleep.  Just worked an 8-hour shift at a wedding!  Yayyyy... >_>

Yesterday was the last day of finals for me, followed by a 7-hour workday, so I needed some way to relax.  I decided to go to an art show with my friend KC, and then we were going to go to my ex Jon's concert.  Well, KC bailed on the concert, so I texted my friend Jen (also Jon's ex), who said she was going, so it was settled.

Went to the art show.  It was weird.  I hate art that tries to be edgy and important when it's really kind of meaningless.  There are very few visual artists whom I feel a connection with.  I guess it's just not my medium.

Anyway, it got really stuffy, hot, and crowded, and I started panicking.  I decided to leave, and KC didn't seem to care, so that was that.  I don't get the feeling (s)he likes me very much at all.  I've been working my ass off trying to switch (her)his gender in my mind - (s)he self-identifies as a FTM, but it's just not clicking.  And now that I feel like (s)he doesn't really like or care about me...I figure, what's the point?  I don't really like (her)his friends that much...etc...so I'm stopping contact and if (s)he contacts me we'll take it from there.

So after that I had like an hour to chill.  Then I met up with Jen and her friend Jess.  We went to Jen's house and smoked a bowl.  I only had one hit because we were going out.  I didn't think I'd feel anything, but apparently the stuff was really strong, because I got retarded.  Not good for (basically) the first time seeing your ex in a year.

Jon broke my heart, btw.  In case you don't know.  We only dated a few months, but I think he was the first person I ever loved.

Anyway, we get to the show.  I shell out five fucking dollars (I'm completely broke and swimming in debt - so that's a pretty big sacrifice).  Turns out we got there as they were packing up: we missed the fucking show.  I wanted to leave and get my money back, but Jen and Jess insisted on staying, and I stupidly went along.

Jon kept talking to me, but it was really loud and I was really stoned so I just came off like a total moron.  Suddenly the girls disappeared, and he and I were alone.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asks

 

"What??"

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"...No."

"Have you had one since...?"

"No.  I mean kinda.  Why?" I say

"Kinda?  Never mind.  I didn't ask [mumble mumble]"

What the hell was that?  I know (to a 90% certainty) that he's not into me, so was it some kind of power play?  My dad guesses he just wants to know if he was important to me - if I'm still pining over him, I suppose.  Well, I mean, I'm dying to have a boyfriend, and I do miss (and still like) him, but I'd much much prefer it to be somebody else.  But was/is Jon important to me?  As much as I hate to admit it, yeah.  I still miss him.  Or at least, I miss who I thought he was.

Anyway I hung out for a little longer but the band that was playing was shitty, so I told Jen and Jess I was gonna jet.  I went to tell Jon, and he was busy talking with this fat, skanky blonde girl.  I waited for a pause in their conversation, assuming he saw me, but they just kept talking, and he was like pawing all over her and stuff.  I know he saw me standing there, so what the fuck?  I wasn't jealous - she was not cute, trust me - just annoyed and confused.  Being so high, I wasn't sure what was normal to do in that situation.  If I just walked away, it would look like I was mad or jealous or something.  If I stayed there being ignored, I look like I'm glaring or being creepy.  Eventually I just yelled (over the music) "HEY I'M LEAVING."  He turned slowly to me - obviously he had seen me standing there - and gave me a hug and thanked me for coming.

Then I took a 15-minute walk downtown alone at midnight.  Anything to get the fuck out of there.

It's just so fucking depressing.  Look, I know he's not a good guy, as evidenced by last night, and I know for sure that he's not good for me.  The fact that he looked at what he had with me and said "no thanks"?  It's disgusting, and really sad (for him).  But I miss the sex with him (it was awesome - probably the best that I've had, once we got our rhythm going, and that's saying something).  I miss the cuddling.  I miss having someone to talk to for hours.  He's definitely not marriage material - not for me, and probably not for anyone.  He acts like he's thirteen - a very smart 13-year-old, but just plain immature.  But God - I don't know if it's because I'll always love him, or because I was high, or a combination of the two, but he did look really fucking good last night.  His eyes were sparkling.  I miss that. :-/

Still, what do I want?  I want something REAL.  I want someone who looks at me and *gets it*.  Not just a part of it - not just the part they want to see - but all of it.  Who loves my flaws as much as my virtues.  Because Lord knows I feel that way about myself.  I honestly think I'm beautiful, brilliant, inspiring, and worthy of being loved.  I'm just so fucking sick of being alone.  I'm sick of being horny and unwanted.  I'm sick of having shitty casual sex with guys I'm not that into.

I met this guy at the bookstore, Joe.  What is with all these J names, btw?  My first boyfriend was named JP, too.  Weird!  Anyway, Joe is very very pretty.  He has sparkly eyes too, although his are kind of amber.  He seems kind of like a skater kid, but he went to an all-boys Catholic school.  Hot right??  Still, kind of worrying.  I bet he's not very experienced - that could be good or bad, depending on how open-minded he is.  The best part about him is that he's FUNNY, and kind of socially-awkward.

"I can't use a boxcutter!" I exclaimed, as I fumbled with a cardboard box.
"You could use it to hijack a plane, apparently though," he says matter-of-factly.
I look at him and laugh.
"I'm sorry, that was really inappropriate," he says.

Um, NO, actually, it was awesome.  But how do I tell him that?  After a hundred little comments like that, how do I tell him, "Look, dude, I don't know if we're right for each other, but I REALLY want to find out."?

The answer is: you don't.  Not if you're a girl, and definitely not on the first day of working together.

So here's the gameplan.  I'll work with him for another couple of weeks.  See how things go.  Flirt a little, talk a little.  I doubt he'll ask me out, but if he does, cool.  If he doesn't?  I'll do the eternally awkward, "Hey, you wanna hang out sometime or something?"

I hate this shit.  I suck at asking people out.  I suck at first dates.  But I am REALLY GOOD at casually (and seriously) dating someone.

I'm shy, goddamnit!  Oh well, I'm sure I'm not alone.  And the risk of getting rejected is far outweighed by the potential benefit.

Also I'm going to spend this summer doing a lot of soul-searching and reading a lot of self-help books.  I'm sure you'll hear plenty about it!

Wish me luck...

I'm sick of being single.  I've gotten to the point in my life where I can handle it: I'm not too depressed, I'm keeping up with all of my responsibilities, and I make a lot of time to have fun.  I enjoy these things, I really do.  But there is something huge missing.  I'm the kind of person who could live very happily with around five close contacts.  The downside of that is that I have three empty spaces pulsing where people should be.  I keep trying to fit others into these spaces, but they don't quite fit, and I'm over trying to shove people into them.  They get cramped and uncomfortable and they leave sooner or later.  I want someone who fits off the bat, and who is warm and enveloped in that space in my heart.

I'm very picky, and I agree with Amy that that's a good thing.  But it can be exhausting too, and disheartening.  Over the last year I've been primarily evaluating partners from a sexual perspective first, because sex is unbelievably important to me.  Unfortunately, I haven't really found that many partners that I'm sexually compatible with, and beyond that, the idea that I'd be romantically compatible with any of them is laudable.

I was working with this guy Peter last night at my catering job.  He was very very cute.  Kind of like Ryan Phillippe with longish hair.  At first I didn't even notice him, which is weird, right?  I usually am laser-targeted on any guy I might find attractive.  Then he started hanging around me and making little comments, and I realized that he was really, really cute.  As soon as I realized that, though, he distanced himself, and started hanging out with one of the tall, skinny, slightly bitchy girls that was working with us.  And so it goes.

Speaking of tall, skinny, bitchy girls, they really are everywhere, aren't they??  That's probably an availability heuristic: there are plenty of short, fat girls out there; I just don't pay attention to them, because they don't interest me.  Are they inherently less interesting, which means bad news for me?  Or amy I less interested because of my mindset?  Who knows.  Sometimes I wish Amy weren't so tall and skinny, because there are things about me she just can't understand, coming from a perspective that most people will find her (physically) attractive.

Then of course, there's also the fact that a lot of guys fetishize my body type.  Maybe a girlfriend isn't short with big tits and a bigger ass, but a one night stand sure can be.  I feel like guys are attracted to me in secret, but as soon as it becomes public, they're embarrassed by me.  Well, I feel like that about more than just my body type.  I don't know how much truth there is in that.

I'm really proud of the Titanic video I edited for Cartel's version of "Wonderwall".  I'm going to watch that, masturbate, and then maybe watch some Make Me a Supermodel.  Oh yeah, and keep pretending that I'll carve some time out today to study.  I need to at least look at what final I have tomorrow and what time it's at.

Writing on here makes me feel a little better than keeping all these thoughts inside, so that's always a bonus, right?

<3 Ciao

So I've been heavily into reading FA blogs lately.  I suppose I've come to the realization that every time I've dieted, my weight ended up stabilizing at an even higher setpoint.  I'm struggling to accept that my body can be the way it is without any necessary intervention from me, and be FINE, and be GOOD, and ultimately be attractive.

As a bisexual, I feel like I've had sort of a unique experience in terms of female attractiveness - which generally is equated with someone's value as a person.  I feel like there are generally three directions from which to evaluate this, two of which are motivated 'externally', and one of which is motivated 'internally'.

1.  external: "appeal to societal value".  This is generally where all of my disordered eating comes from.  It's also where any of my current self-doubt and negative feelings come from.  Essentially it's equating your physical, external appearance with what 'society' at large (read: the media and other people) values in a person, which for some inexplicable reason is tied to your self-worth.  I suppose it's a general kind of power structure thing.  In a collection of humans, there's (almost) always going to be some sort of hierachy.  In many societies, this is based on age, overt displays of wealth, and fame.  Generally, I suppose, those who are considered more 'attractive' are those who have achieved, or at least approximated, this higher status.  Thus, when wisdom is considered to make you 'more valuable', and age is associated with wisdom, having wrinkles and age spots makes you "more attractive".  Likewise, in societies where having a higher chance of survival is valued, external displays of wealth (clothing, cars, homes, etc.) are valued, because the implication is that you can afford shelter, food, medical care, etc.  Notice that it's never the base value that is judged, so you could have a Ferrari but be up to your eyeballs in debt, and people will still generally place a higher value on your head.  Additionally, there is the sense that what the masses are able to accomplish cannot be of any value, but rather, it is the accomplishments of the few that are to be envied (thus fulfilling the need for a social hierachy).  So the point of all this is to say that, while fatness may have been valued in the Renaissance and in other times and places where fatness implied an unusual capability to provide for oneself and one's family, it's become "too commonplace" in societies like America where the majority of people are capable of finding enough food to eat.  Thus, in the same way that blondeness is valued because it is proportionately less common, so thinness grew to be valued (Twiggy got famous precisely because she was so DIFFERENT from what people considered to be traditionally beautiful).  The implication is that if you're thin, you're special.

2. external: "appeal to reproductive value".  Like I said, as a bisexual, I have unique interpretation on the issue of thinness vs. "value", for this reason: I have always desired to be extremely thin, in order to fulfill the requirements of the previous value system.  At the same time, I definitely have a type when it comes to women: very full-figured, athletic, tall, and blonde.  The last three characteristics, I suspect, just come from a contrast to myself (I am unathletic, short, and brunette), but I've always had a HUGE cognitive dissonance related to the fact that I am sexually attracted to fuller figured women when I, myself, strove to have as small of a body as possible.  Anyway, the point is that what individuals find sexy varies greatly from person to person, but biologically having larger breasts and larger hips is considered to be indicative of an increased aptitude to bear children.  In an effort to make every feminist on the planet cringe, I often found myself consoling myself about my weight by saying, "It's ok, guys want to fuck girls like me, with big tits and big asses."  Of course, this approach also takes into consideration fetishization (for fat women, pretty feet, Asians, whatever) as well as the chance that someone will find sexual value in someone who is also valued by society (previous) or who values themselves (next).

3. internal: "appeal to inherent value".  I have always been of the opinion that you can find beauty in everything.  Desert, ocean, mountain, young, old, fat, skinny, life, death, happiness, sadness, etc.  You have the option to value something based on the fact that it is a part of your experience.  In fact, I firmly believe that something should be valued precisely for this reason, particularly when it comes to your own body.  If you remove the layer of other people's expectations and desires for you, what you'll find is that there is a self which exists outside of judgement.  I don't think there is an inherent beauty or ugliness or good or evil in ANYTHING, so it is up to us to make that determination based upon our own perceptions, which can largely be influenced by our beliefs.  When I make the effort to remove society's expectations of me (which, as I've discussed, are inherently flawed in the sense that they are based on insufficient, superficial indicators of cultural values which vary drastically based on whom you're asking), I find that I tend to like myself quite a lot.  In fact, when I'm not being harrassed with outcries of "WHY DON'T YOU LOOK LIKE THIS?!?!?!" in reference to skinny, tan, blonde models and celebrities, I find myself marvelling at the fact that, WOW, nobody looks quite like me!  My body and face are in fact incredibly unique, and they seem to fit my personality so well, too.  It's like this body was purposed just for me to be conscious in it, just for the sole purpose of being able to revel in the beauty of experience that this world has to offer.  And suddenly the fact that I'm not a carbon copy seems to mean so much just in itself.  So in a society where the claim is, "Skinny people are special because they are rare," I have to say: Well MY particularly phenotype is so rare that it's definitively one-in-a-kind.

Put that on a stick and suck it!!

Booo....breakups.